Thursday, January 29, 2009

Stupid Things That Men Do, Part 1: "My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me Because I Had a Unibrow."

We all know how men can be jackasses. Each one of us probably has at least one heartbreak story, where the guy involved was just being himself. A dirtbag. In lieu of this "Men can be stupid" theme, I now present story number one, a story relayed to me in full confidence, and so as not to break that trust, I will try to be as objective and as vague as I possibly can.

Story #1: "My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me Because I Had a Unibrow."

Before the world discovered the wonders of eyebrow plucking, we all had to stick with the eyebrows we were born with. No matter the shape, the size, or the volume of the eyebrow, we had to make do with what we had. But lo and behold, just as the Neanderthals figured out how to make fire, humankind found out how to make the eyebrows more appealing to the eye.

And this wonderful process of eyebrow shaping has evolved through time. These days, you can form your eyebrows to any which expression you want to put on. And I am not kidding here, my mother changes facial expressions regularly, from happy to sad to annoyed in a span of three minutes and a pencil stroke.

Okay, so I'm going off topic. I'm not here to discuss the art of eyebrow plucking, shaving, threading, or even waxing. I'm actually writing this, to retell the unfortunate story of a lady who was unceremoniously dumped because she used to have a unibrow. Yep, this particular lady, who from this point on I shall refer to as Bertha, used to have a unibrow back when hair was considered cool.

Our Bertha is a sweet young lady, pretty and smart, owner of a pair of perfectly shaped brows, and she is generally considered to be a good catch by majority of the male populace. Her story begins one fine Sunday afternoon, and our lovebirds were spending a lazy day in Bertha's bedroom when the boyfriend chanced upon her old high school yearbook and saw our dear Bertha's highschool bushy unibrow. And this was when the problems began.

The usually sweet, thoughtful and sensitive boyfriend, whom we shall call Ernie, turned a full 180 and became distant and cold. He would ignore Bertha's phone calls, make up lame excuses to not meet up with her, yadda, yadda. Frustrated at Ernie's behavior, Bertha rightfully asked him what was up one day, but he carefully and gracefully skirted the topic. Bertha was uneasy, but she let it go hoping that things will somehow go back to the Ernie and Bertha that it used to be.

Happier days

The final straw came when Bertha was ditched on their anniversary date. She waited in a swanky restaurant alone, all dolled up for her anniversary, with Ernie arriving a full 4 hours after their agreed meetup time, and Bertha came to her senses, did the whole, "You are an ugly son of a *bleepbleep*. I deserve so much more, you *bleepbleep*, you. I curse the day you were born, *bleepbleep*!"  scene. And, rightfully so, I think. A slap would've sealed the deal. Or, a good, solid kick in the nuts.

Stupid, right? Breaking up with a pretty girl over a thing as shallow as having a unibrow back in the 80's?! I mean, who does that? Men do.

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