Overwhelmed: A 'Me' Post

Once again, I'm engulfed by a huge wave of sadness. These waves come and go, like it does for everyone, but in the meantime, the big waves crash into me like I'm the shore and everyday's a full moon. I honestly didn't think it'd be this difficult to be away from home.

Overwhelmed is the best word to describe what I'm feeling. On top of the list of why I'm feeling like this is the language barrier. French, while a beautiful language, is terribly difficult to learn or even be familiar with. Being completely and utterly lost in a sea of indiscernable talk makes me feel isolated from everything and everyone. The introvert in me is inclined to curl up in the darkest corner of the shell, if only to find a little bit of comfort within myself.

Shared Laughter

About five minutes ago, I found out I've been assigned to a new task at work. The document says my investigation should have started last week, lulz. What does that have to do with this entry? Nada! Nothing at all. Ain't that nice? Here's today's garbage, care of yours truly:

Shared Laughter
 
"Knock, knock.", I say
"Who's there?", you ask me
"There once was a man and a woman", I start
You laugh, I laugh, we laugh!

"What's so funny?", they ask us
I look at you, you look at me
We burst out laughing until we can't breathe
We don't know why either

"What happened to the otter who jumped in the pool", you ask me
I furrow my brow and go, "What?"
Eyes twinkling, you say, "I don't know, that's why I was asking!"
I giggle, you chuckle, we can't stop laughing!

"That's not funny at all!", they scoff at us
You shrug, I shrug, we shrug
"It's funny to us.", you say and I nod
They shake their heads and we just keep laughing.

Peter Pan Had It Wrong, Growing Up Ain't So Bad

"If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I won't grow up, never grow up, never grow up, not me." -Peter Pan

A few years ago, I got a gift from a distant relative when I came to visit. While that doesn't seem all that unusual, it has to be said that of about a dozen of us who visited, I was the only one given a present. I bashfully thanked them, and asked what it was for. (It wasn't my birthday.)

Their answer had me stunned. The couple said it was because to them, I had always maintained a child-like aura. They said it seemed as if I never lost my child's spirit. Their gift was so I know that it's a good thing to remain child-like. "Um, what?" was the phrase in my head when I heard it. I wasn't expecting that answer at all,  them telling me I was their child who they gave away at birth would have been more believable. 

The boy who refused to grow up.

For Peter Pan, the idea of growing up is ludicrous. It's unthinkable to want to grow up, or even to think about it. Sometimes we don't necessarily want to, but we have to. There are bills that need to be paid, responsibilities that need to be taken care of and the future to think of and worry about.

Today, I feel the oldest I've felt since.. ever. I've made a decision that will be part of my life until the next decade or so. All at once, it's a commitment, a risk, and a choice. It's a big step towards adulthood. I feel like a proper grown-up today, lulz. And while it is scary, it is also gratifying (and exciting!).

But Peter Pan had it wrong I think, being a grownup doesn't mean you won't climb trees anymore. You still would and could, but by then you may also choose to climb mountains. I'm hoping to still get a gift from that couple again this year. ~_~

Realization

Last night, I woke up in the middle of sleep wheezing heavily. Each breath that I took in was laborious and required every ounce of effort I had left in me. Sleep abandoned me as I lay there huffing and puffing the night away.

In the quiet of the night, I listened to my lungs clunk like an old engine being forced to start and sputter. The lack of oxygen in my brain made it even more muddled than usual. Silly thoughts were running (tumbling, more like) in my head and I was wondering what would happen in the morning if my lungs decided to collapse right then.

There wouldn't be any chance to say goodbye to everyone I want to say goodbye to. I guess I can do that in the afterlife, if there's such a thing. I thought about my stuff, what would happen to them. And then I thought about my life and what I've done with it; and I realize that there's not much to miss.

My breathing slowly returned to near normal after I took medicine, tiredness eventually took over and I drifted to a restless slumber.

Back in The Day

Strange. It feels like I've forgotten to write from the heart. These days, I write with an audience in mind. I write thinking what their reaction would be, thinking about what they'd think about me and about what I wrote.

Because of this, I tend to avoid topics from the deep recesses of my being. Now, I steer clear of issues too emotional, ideas too controversial, and matters too personal. Why? For fear of rejection, for fear of confrontation, for fear of the truth.

It was only a few years ago when blogging only meant putting into words the things you find difficult to voice out in real life without trying to be funny, without trying to increase site traffic, without trying to gain any profit. Blogging was merely a pastime, not a profession. The internet community was much simpler then, with less walls, less barriers.

Back then, everyone wrote from the heart. People blogged about what they really thought, what they felt. Most everyone blogged about the things that mattered most to them, instead of what they think would matter to their readers.

I want those days back.